Distress in Wonderland - Serious Post Time

Alright. I am hoping that these "serious posts" are going to be few and far between, but I really felt like I needed to get this done. This may be a personal post for me, but I want to help as may lolita sisters and brothers as I can.

Let's face it - despite you being dressed to the nines in lace and frills, despite the sugary-sweet print you may adorn yourself in, you aren't always fantastically sugary-sweet in mood. Just as we gothic lolitas are not always depressed and bitter, sweet lolitas are not always cheery. Our fashion does not always reflect our mood or personality. Why is it that I am always dressed in as much black as I can possibly get? You will know why momentarily. Life is hard, that should go without saying. But, at times, it is too difficult to bear. And I really want to reach out to the Lolita community, to those who need help.

I was suicidal throughout high school. Stress from classes and parents, crumbling relationships (romantic and non), and being a social outcast, even before Lolita... I felt completely and utterly alone. There were three attempts, total, that I made on my own life through high school: once my freshman year, once my sophomore year, once my junior year. My senior year was the first time I sought professional help. It was a very painful time for me, and I still don't like talking about the details. I didn't seek help for long - after a couple of months, I stopped seeing the shrink. I began seeking other outlets in which to find myself.

A drawing from my depression... and no one figured it out.

I had already been interested in Lolita for a few years - I had been wearing it regularly through my sophomore and junior years, at least. I think that it is actually what served as the catalyst to my near-demise. I had (actually, I still have) major self-image and self-confidence issues. Between the sizing in brand pieces (I'm not overweight, mind you) and the pressure from the Lolita community to look perfect, it can all be too much.

Some comments, like on the loli_secret community page, can be hurtful.

Which is why I chose to focus on who I am, not who I wanted others to perceive me as. So I continue to develop myself as a person and as a member of the Lolita community. I develop my own sense of style, completely on my own, without the feedback of others in the Lolita community. I'm learning how to sew, so I can make and alter my own pieces. I sort of make my own niche in my style, and I still consider myself "Lolita", despite the mass amount of offbrand goodies I use, and my community members (who I am not particularly close to) don't really question it.

But I also found music as being therapeutic. The Japanese symphonic metal band Versailles is who I actually credit for turning my life around, for the better, as my last attempt was spoiled by their music. (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!) I have re-discovered the joy of singing. I have been trying to study various vocal forms, mostly musical theatre and opera, and I'm venturing into getting a double-major in classical voice and music education.

But his voice filled my spirit with a strange, sweet sound.
In that night, there was music in my mind...
and through music my soul began to soar
And I heard, as I've never heard before!

And now I feel like I've gotten a bit off-topic. My apologies, I have been writing this particular post over the span of a week in a journal, reflecting on who I was then and who I am now. So, let's rope it all together.

I suppose the base of my advice is this: find an outlet in which you can find comfort, or find a way to enrich your spirit. Do not turn to Lolita, unless it is in a self-enriching way. Many people like me have a love-hate relationship with Lolita.

My brother and I each found the keys of our lives in music (his in guitar, mine in voice). My darling friend Makena found hers in painting. One of my closest friends found his in poetry. And for those who aren't artistic, I know people who spend their days solving equations or seeking answers to the world's questions. Now, go find your key to your life. Who knows what you will unlock?

Remember, my little rufflebutted frineds... if you need someone to talk to, e-mail me at lune.x.noire@gmail.com. I will be there for you, even if you think no one else will.

Brands: Why I Am Tempted To Jump The Brandwagon

In the Lolita fashion and subculture, it seems that absolutely everything revolves around brands. I cannot deny that it is nice being able to say that you own brand. My first brand piece was a black BABY skirt. I also have a headpiece from BABY and an AatP bonnet. I have a BLACK PEACE NOW skirt which, despite not being nearly as common as BABY, is one of my absolute favorite pieces and is incredibly versatile. It took two or three years of me being into Lolita until I finally bought a dress - the Alice and the Pirates Twilight Circus JSK II in Black.

Here it is in purple x black - I have black x black.

Honestly, though, looking back - brand has given me nothing but trouble! The pieces mentioned above are all the brand I own! And why do I have so much of it being BABY? Because I am lucky enough to go to school in San Francisco, where BABY has set up shop in our local Japantown (PEACE NOW was in the same building until recently - they moved to a downtown location, partnering in a shop with Angelic Pretty, Chantilly, and Atelier Pierrot, and was actually replaced by h.NAOTO). Most of my pieces that I use in my ensembles, though, are OFFBRAND! (gasp!) And here is why.

Money - oh, how I loathe thee. Basic rule of thumb with Lolita is that brand is expensive. One of the reasons I frequent BABY is because they are conveniently located, so paying for shipping and customs isn't an issue - nor is currency conversion, paypal or any of that mess! A big thing, though, is that (in my experience, anyway) BABY is fairly low-priced for brand. If I buy anything from them frequently, it's jewelry or accessories, because most of them I can get for less than $100. In fact, my favorite headdress I got for roughly $60. But even still, I only get the spend that once in a very great while. My style reaches more towards Atelier Pierrot and Moi-meme-Moitie, but those are so far out of my budget that they are but a dream.

• Another thing - I never, EVER buy brand shoes. I am far too adventurous and clumsy - they would scuff up and break so easily. I have a pair of boots and flats that I wear, that is it. They cost far too much money for something that would be used so carefully.

Sizing - I can't lie - I am a rather larger girl, on the Lolita spectrum. My family is of Danish descent - being "big-boned" is in my genes. I have a curvaceous figure, at 95-75-100. And with a proportionately larger body, it is hard to fit into Lolita! Blouses and most OPs are completely out, thanks to my "ladies". Luckily my hips aren't a problem, but my waist... why is it that sweet lolita, the style I am least like, is best for my body shape? At least, brands that specialize in Sweet are more open to larger sizing. BABY and AP are the only brands I can really fit in. It is hard, knowing that if I have enough money to buy brand, I can only fit into brands I am not a huge fan of.

So, what is a a Lolita in more difficult situations to do? I have to admit, my pieces are few and far between. two skirts and a JSK aren't enough to really get me through the week. So, here is what I have done, and what I am doing, to build up my wardrobe:

1. Lose the extra weight. I am not overweight, but I'm also not going to be able to fit into Moitie, ever. I hate admitting that, but realistically my bust and waist sizes will never get that small. I do what I can to manage the cards given to me... even if that means discarding some.
2. Attack thrift stores and offbrand places! Seriously, I have a lot of pieces that I love that are offbrand. If you're busty and have issues finding blouses that fit well, just find a nice button-down in your size from a department or thrift store. My shoes are from Payless, and so I don't worry about scuffing them up. I'm sure you can find pieces and find ways to make them work.
3. Look into outside-of-Japan online shops. The best places I can think of are the brands through QutieLand.com and Fan+Friend. Their sizing can be more customized, and can be altered as you wish. I have yet to buy a chinese brand through QutieLand, but I have heard very good things about their services. Fan+Friend is really hit-or-miss, but as long as you choose a piece that isn't too busy (with lace, in particular) you should be alright. Their prices are good, too :)
4. Learn to sew. Honestly, this is a life-saver. I learned how to sew on my own, by playing around on my mom's machine. While I still kind of need help constructing original pieces, I am a whiz at mending and I'm fairly good at altering. I have made one skirt before, and it is fantastic. I get more compliments on my own pieces than I do on my brand!

In conclusion, you don't need brand to be happy. It's nice. But, like most things that fall under the Lolita parasol, it is a luxury. Unlike the Lolitas that are in more ideal scenarios, we have to make do with what we have. Being resourceful is key. You can get really creative with non-brand items.

What is your favorite "resourceful" ensemble? On you, or one you have seen? Do you have any ideas as to what would make for a cute outfit regardless of size or how small a budget?

SFSU Zombie Apocalypse 2011

Alright, back in October of 2011... something magical happened. The improv comedy troupe I am a part of, IMPROV NATION, annually holds a Zombie Apocalypse to promote their Halloween Show. Freaking brilliant, right? Basically, dress up in blood and nastiness, meet at the Student Union, and chase kids who wanted to be attacked (marked by duct tape on their clothing) as well as Team WOMBAT, the anti-Zombie coalition. I don't have any good pictures of me in full gear, but I chose to wear a headpiece from BABY, the STARS SHINE BRIGHT and my skirt is BLACK PEACE NOW. All else - ripped up tights, scuffed up shoes, flowy black blouse - is offbrand.

Okay, I was going for a new take on Guro Loli, doing a kuro-guro scheme... basically worked, wasn't totally achieved. The silhouette looked like CRAP. But it was still awesome. And somebody cheered, "Oooh! We have a ZOMBIE LOLITA! :D " It was majestical nonetheless.  I also got GREAT looks from my Japanese teacher before the event and my English teacher afterwards.

These signs were placed EVERYWHERE in the student union.

Yeah, right up front? That's me. I look absolutely terrifying.

There was a class going on inside. Somebody was antagonizing, so someone attacked, and it kind of turned into a mob attacking the window. I was amazed that I was able to get that close to the window to mess with people :D

This was pretty much a the peak of the OCCUPY protests. Brilliant.

Fallen blade of a Team WOMBAT member... after the battle.

It was so much fun. Also, to note, for any lolitas contemplating doing this: The blood we used was washable. I wore strictly black (no print, nothing but solid black) so it would be easiest to wash and would be harder to see if it didn't totally wash out. Luckily, it did totally wash out. Which was awesome.

Also, high school tours were going on at this time. We weaved out way through the crowd of high school juniors/seniors, not bothering them physically (but we did leer and growl and moan at them). One particular tour guide said the best thing: "All campuses have an atmosphere to them, and obviously ours is... different". That made my day so much better. Showering, to get all the makeup and (sticky!) blood off, was less than enchanting.

All photos were taken by the team from SWAG HARD Photography. Their Facebook page is here. They are local to the SF area, and most often hit up raves. Check out their photography. It's pretty amazing.

Wilkommen, Bienvenue, Welcome!

Greetings, and welcome to Lacrimosa Lolita, my quaint little blog. I author this blog under the pen name, Lunette Delacroix. True facts about me: I am nineteen years old, a gothic lolita, a student at San Francisco State University, and I *plan* on majoring in Music Education.

About the title... in Latin, the term "lacrimosa" translates into "weeping".  A famous piece was written by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is most commonly associated with the term in the modern day. According to zenmoments.org: "The Requiem Mass in D minor by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was composed in Vienna in 1791, during the last year of the composer’s life. ‘Lacrimosa’ is part of that Requiem Mass and reveals some of the deepest feelings of human beings and one of mankind’s biggest fears: Death." I use the title "Lacrimosa Lolita" because of it's classically dark connotations, and I'll be frank - I really like it.

New to Lolita? Got questions? I have answers! Feel free to send me a comment here, a message on my Formspring or e-mail me at lune.x.noire@gmail.com. In my Dear Miss Lunette segments, I will most certainly answer any questions you may have, be them Lolita or something slightly relevant.

I will try to update my blog on Fridays, but I can't make any promises. Thank you, and I hope you continue reading my blog. Let's dance in this masquerade of life together.